I am washing the dishes and blogging and looking for wood for my furniture. I’m also thinking about my approach to online dating. I think I am a fool the way I am doing it. I really do believe when someone pays to have an account on an online dating site that they are probably serious about finding a person to date and what-not. I also have expectations of honesty and that by disclosing things about myself that indicates good will on my part. I’ve since learned that is not the case. Deception is required despite one’s singular attempt at being truthful in the process. Of course, this flies in my face of being unable to deceive or to even lie. I have no idea why I can’t lie. If someone asks me a question I am forced to answer it truthfully. This drives me crazy. Of course, I could say: “I’m sorry I cannot answer that question.” Yea, right. I’ve met several folks who I guess have been deceptive and several who because of my honest disclosures revealed things about themselves later regretting it to the point of refusing to have anything to do with me. I imagine out of shame or fear of what I might think; which is actually respect. With my past who am I to judge?
So now, I have to decide to deceive women if I am to date. Perhaps deception is too strong of a characterization. Maybe hold back on information is a better way of putting it. It’s interesting that I am over-thinking this process. Probably because I don’t really need a girlfriend. I do long for someone to be with me for all that love stuff; there’s no doubt about that. At night when I am in bed and I look over at the empty side of the bed is when I feel it the most. It best represents the emptiness in that part of my heart that I think a woman might best fill. Nothing else really fits in that spot shaped like a puzzle piece designed in the complex pattern of a woman. Nothing. I know as well I am not looking for any woman-shaped puzzle piece. I met a really cool lady this past weekend that I felt could really rock my world. She was super smart, super smile, honest, no deception, loved her kids, someone who approached things deliberately and with great thought. She was almost perfected in her cause because she was cautious about who she wanted to fill in her man-shaped puzzle piece. Unfortunately, it wasn’t me. I think probably because I told her too much of the sad stuff. I should have been more of the upbeat Brian; which had I been I would have (maybe/probably/hopefully) won her over to at least a couple more rounds of conversation or at least a real date. But I crashed and burned because I am tortured with being honest and I gave her a depressing view of a life with me. Who the bloody hell would want that. Little could she know or see that having me in her life might have made hers more complete had she at least given me a go or tried me out. I am pretty sure I can say this with accuracy because of the up-tempo at the end of our conversation; however, she then had time to think that I would probably be a depressing guy to hang around with. I think that’s funny because depressing is one thing I am not.
Anyway, I think I will still be honest about things. I am not one prone to lying about anything. Lies always catch up with you. Truth never has to run and catch its breath. However, the lesson I learned is to be more of a flower opening slowly, revealing only the best parts, then perhaps later, revealing the flaws. Everyone has baggage, especially at our age, I guess I need to learn to decorate my baggage with a daisy or two, a few peonies, and perhaps a roll of duck tape to tape my mouth shut. I think once a woman sees how well I would treat them especially after hearing the horror stories of their past relationships with men, I would be an easy choice. I’m not a mean guy at all and I don’t play games. I’m pretty transparent. But I think I still need a roll of duck tape to help keep me quiet. Yea, a roll of duck tape should be part of my mandatory dating arsenal.