I have been reflecting upon a recent friendship. My friend, who I am still going to refer to as a friend because I am not the one to let go of the rope, did not like me changing the nature of the relationship. She may be right. However, to end a relationship because of love is a little over the top.
She asked me if I could still be a friend without loving her. I could not answer that question anyway but truthfully and honestly. This is something friends do. I remained a friend up to the point she let go of the rope. I said “Yes” but that I would still love her. This was a deal breaker for her. I am not one to let go of love so quickly though.
In addition, I am not one to lie about something as huge as that to maintain a relationship. What friendship can stand based on a lie? It’s kind of ironic as well; in an earlier communication she accused me of never being a true friend and of having an agenda. I am still trying to figure out what my agenda might have been. She was really cool to hang out with; she was fun, smart, had a great attitude about the world and the way it worked. She seemed to like me being around her. I could make her laugh. She told me that a lot of people couldn’t do that and for a guy I was different. She told me some other stuff that’s more personal, which I won’t discuss. Bottom line is that we seemed to get along great.
That was up to the point I had felt I was developing feelings for her way beyond just ‘hanging around’ feelings. This was unfortunately more than she could handle and after I expressed my feelings (which on hindsight, I probably should have just kept quiet), the relationship tanked. She felt like I had violated the terms of an agreement we had. I had no idea we had an agreement like that though. Of course, that was probably something we should have discussed a whole lot more.
After she ended the relationship, I reviewed the texts (iPhones keep everything) that we had been exchanging and there were several that were highly suggestive that she wanted a more intense relationship. I am not going to detail those; but I reacted to those statements; obviously without her awareness of their impact upon me. They were huge enough that I allowed myself to fall in love with her. I genuinely thought she was thinking of having a deeper relationship with me as well.
After I told her how I felt, things chilled really fast. She noticed every last negative thing I did. I probably was saying things or doing things that annoyed her. We all do that to each other; and in my case her heightened sensitivity exposed every last one of my mistakes. She didn’t tell me I was bothering her. I wrote her a letter detailing my concerns and feelings several weeks after telling her I fell in love with her. That was when she told me I had been bothering her. I replied with a statement that it would have been helpful at the moment I was doing these things to get a reprimand than to let it build up inside of her to a point of anger; which she obviously had, because she said some pretty mean things to me out of character for her (Please note: we both were feisty at the end).
It was at this time that I decided I needed a break from being around her and told her as much and that was when she broke off the friendship. I have no idea why she couldn’t just let me have some time away to get my feelings back in order and come back in a proper way.
She did point out correctly that my feelings have been all over the place which is due to my dealing with my exiting a state of depression lasting over seven years. I was getting my feelings back and she was the first person who greeting me on exiting. I think she was probably not ready to great someone such as me out of a tunnel as dark as the one I was in. She was a very bright light for me and I recognize that any love I had for her could easily be an overwhelming appreciation at the support she gave me during this time.
Anyway, I knew that we were at a crossroads and I told her that it was going to reflect greatly on what we actually thought of our friendship and what we will do with ours as to whether our friendship actually survives. Well, it didn’t. I am sad about that.
I wonder if I should have lied about loving her. If I told her I didn’t love her and that I just wanted to be her friend, then I would have had an agenda. I wouldn’t be a true friend. But at least I would still be around her; with my heart pounding and my mind miserable at the deception.
In the end, I was a true agenda-less friend because I told her she could be my friend and that I would continue to love her. I remained true to me and her, as she had to remain true to herself. In this conundrum of truth and honesty, two very stubborn people lost a friendship that probably would have been one of the world’s greatest (yea, it’s hyperbole). Yet, in a way, she remains a muse to me because now I still write, but I write from the sadness and grief of loss. And I write because I am happy though she may have stopped being my friend in my heart she is still there and I remain her true and honest friend.